Reclassify all civilian-owned assault weapons as “Destructive Devices” under the existing 1968 Destructive Devices Act.

 My neighbor posted this AI generated rant - a good one!:

This year I’m keeping my wish list simple. No sweaters. No neckties. No gift cards I’ll forget in a drawer. I want one thing:

Reclassify all civilian-owned assault weapons as “Destructive Devices” under the existing 1968 Destructive Devices Act.

You know—the same category we already use for rocket launchers, grenades, and anything else that can erase a wall before breakfast.

And because it’s nearly Christmas, let’s be honest with one another:

What exactly does an average civilian need an AR-15 for anyway?

For hunting?

Really?
Hunting what—a rogue hippopotamus who escaped from the Como Zoo and is stampeding toward Stillwater?

For target practice?

Come on.
With a rifle designed for battlefield suppression fire, the only way you could miss the target is if you aimed at the moon.

For protecting your home?

Ah yes. The classic AR-15 bedtime scenario.

You hear a noise.
You leap from bed—ideally wearing your Kevlar pajamas—grab the AR-15 from under your pillow, and charge into the living room firing like you’re reenacting a scene from Rambo 12: Domestic Mayhem.

Congratulations.
You’ve eliminated the “intruder,” destroyed your 98-inch TV, ventilated half your furniture, and sent a bullet through the wall into the neighbor’s apartment where it has now—tragically—done what bullets do best.

Merry Christmas.

And what if the “intruder” is Uncle Harry?

Uncle Harry, who had two too many holiday cocktails and was simply stumbling around looking for a couch to sleep on?

What exactly are you going to tell his widow?

That you exercised your sacred constitutional right to “defend your home” from a man carrying nothing but a bag of Doritos and a blood alcohol level that could power a jet?

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The Point

Reclassifying assault weapons as Destructive Devices doesn’t require new constitutional theory.
It doesn’t require mind-reading the Framers.
It doesn’t even require Congress to grow a spine.

The law already exists.
We just refuse to apply it to weapons whose sole evolutionary purpose is to kill human beings as quickly as possible.

So Santa, if you’re listening—and if Congress won’t put on its big-kid pants—maybe, just maybe, you can help deliver what America actually needs:

A country where Christmas morning isn’t overshadowed by yet another report of a child killed by a weapon designed for war.

If that’s not a holiday miracle, I don’t know what is.